First up, we have:

 Bachelor No 1: Mr T.A Klaus!

Mr T.A. Klaus!

Mr T.A Klaus popularly known as Takla .

Mechanical Marmaduke. Robot Dancer. Wild Child.

The coolest thing to hit Earth after the Ice Age.

Currently, he is doing his Research in Robot Dancing at Delaware University in the U.S. of A.

Most famous quote:

“I am wondering whether to have one more serving of rice, as that might lead to a more than necessary proportion of solid excreta”

Current Status: SINGLE

 Bachelor no 2: Amit Ambre a.k.a the Dombivili Don

DOMBIVILI DON!!!

The Original Maratha Warrior. A Member of the Blackberry Bourgeoisie.The Dombivili Don.

His tummy popularly known as the GOLDMAN SAC is the symbol of corporate greed.

A PGP Student at IIM-Calcutta. Knows all about futures (both forwards and backwards) but still uncertain about his. Swears by the Dabbawallahs and his financial calculator.

His Dream: To re-enact the scene from the movie Satya at Nariman Point,wherein The Dombivili Don clad in his undies clutching a bottle of JD yells out to the Arabian Sea:”Mumbai ka King Kaun?? Amit Ambre”.

Most Famous Quote (often heard in the corridors of NIT Calicut):

“Abbey M#@$r Chod!  Takla Darwaza khol!!!

Status: SINGLE

 Bachelor No 3: Venky Wetfingers (don’t ask me why!!)

Venky Wetfingers the Marathon Man!

The alpha male. The Singam (read as: lion) of Singara Chennai. The quintessential Tam-Bram.

His poonal (the holy thread), a symbol of purity. Retired Blogger. Jammer par excellence.

Grapher of Photos. (I don’t care if it is grammatically unsound, it suits the rhythm im in).

Closet Economist. Formerly, A connoisseur of Lubricants at BPCL. Now employed with an NGO and an ISB aspirant.

Marathon Man. Loves running, infact when chased by an angry group of women at Chennai Central for eve-teasing he remarked while taking to his heels :“Running is the best thing that has happened to me”

Most famous quote:

Venky: “Chutney….”

Me: “Yes Macha…tell me.??”

Venky :” I’m in Love….”

Me : “who is it Macha..?(Shifting uncomfortably unsure of his advances)

Long pensive pause building up the intensity

Venky;” I’m in love with ECONOMICS!”

I run to the nearest wall to bang my head against.

Status: SINGLE

Three perfectly eligible bachelors. Three movers and shakers who I my opinion need no match makers. Yet, Single!!

Ladies why do you fail to make the simplest of choices. I understand that matching skirts and tops can amount to a national emergency but these three bachelors are like real estate, their value would only appreciate with time, they classify as sound investments.

  I was perplexed by the ways of life. Every question has an answer. Every answer has an equally ludicrous question. DeepThought computed the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything as 42. (Read: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy).There has to be an answer to this question as well. I just have to wait till the answer unravels itself like a 6in chicken teriyaki sub does from its wrapping foil.

The answer struck me like a hammer while I was staring at the seemingly mangy beard of my Economics Professor.

ASSYMETRIC INFORMATION LEADING TO ADVERSE SELECTION.

THE MARKET FOR LEMONS THEORY!!!!!!!

The market for melons!

 What is asymmetric information?

It defines a situation where there is imperfect knowledge in the market. In particular it occurs where one party has lesser information in comparison to the other.

Eg: when selling a car, the owner is likely to have full knowledge about its service history and likelihood to break down. The potential buyer, by contrast, will be in the dark and he may not be able to trust the car salesman.

Ladies, this is the primary cause of all your misery. The fact that you are ignorant of the various qualities of our perfectly eligible bachelors leads to an unfavorable choice referred to as Adverse Selection. i.e you pick the Jackasses with the fake accents  ,converse sneakers and pea-sized brains over smart, savvy and suave young men like the above mentioned bachelors and later when the deal goes sour you resort to your patented fashion statement “All men are Bastards!”.

 Now let us try and understand how you ladies end up with Adverse Selection (In other words how you end up dating a Jackass) using the analogy of Used Cars.

Let us consider the market for used cars. An owner of a used car that is well maintained (referred to as a plum) would expect a high resale value in comparison to an owner of a poorly maintained used car (referred to as a lemon). Now the buyer is not aware of the condition of the Car, hence cannot distinguish a good car from a bad one.

Let us say that the owner of a plum would expect a return of Rs 40,000 on sale. In comparison the owner of a lemon would charge Rs 20,000.The Buyer is unaware of what amount he has to spend so he assumes all cars are average i.e. he expects a 50% probability of finding a plum or a lemon. Hence the price he is willing to pay amounts to (40000*0.5) + (20000*0.5) = Rs30, 000.

As a consequence,the owner of a good car is not interested in selling as he will not get a good price for it. Hence only lemons i.e. bad cars will be sold. Now that the buyer realizes that he is only getting lemons, he lowers his price further as he is now only willing to pay the price of a lemon. In short a bad product drives a good product out of the market.

Now, ladies let us apply the above reasoning to our predicament.

Our Bachelors are like the Bentleys and Maybachs. They don’t advertise. (When was the last time you saw a Bentley or Maybach Hoarding?).Ladies, you might label this behavior as being shy or snooty. The truth of the matter is, THEY ARE PLUMS and they expect some substantial effort from your end to seal the deal.

Ladies, The lemons are a dime a dozen. I mean the roads are dotted with Mercs and Skodas. The lemons are gonna shine their bling and do their thing. The sad part is you don’t even have to try hard. But, remember an average effort will only land you a lemon.

Now, how do identify a plum from a lemon and do away with this asymmetric information bullcrap??

The answer is SIGNALLING.

Signaling, simply put refers to methods employed to help reduce the impact of asymmetric information that leads to adverse selection.

For eg: A manufacturer of quality electronics offers a warranty because he knows that his goods are durable and the cost of servicing would not impact his profits. In contrast, the “made in china” smartphone won’t offer any warranties as their goods Suck!!!

In short, the plums are signaling to you

So ladies my advice is watch out for the Signals.

They may be in various forms as demonstrated by our very Eligible Bachelors!!

Signal No1: the Lusty look!!

Signal No 2: Into my Sweaty-arm(pits) manoevre

Signal No 3:The bedroom eyes and bathroom nose!

 So there you have it folks!! ASSYMETRIC INFORMATION!!!
It is the foundation on which social hierarchy is based.  It is the reason why Facebook works.It is the reason why Mark Zuckerberg is a Billionaire. It is the reason why our stud –boy bachelors are not dating Russian Super-models above 21 yrs of age, Brunettes who can play the guitar and sing like Alanis Morissette or Dido, Indian Classical Dancers who hold economics degrees and the NGO/theater-ethnic dressing firebrand felines with Kohl rimmed eyes.
It is the reason why I am writing this post!!

So I’m just going to jot down every single memory as and when it reveals itself.

Bangalore boy-evening walks- treadmill workouts with John Butler on my Ipod playlist-grocery shopping on Sundays-gossiping with mom-playing simple 3 chord songs on my guitar- trying out new restaurants on weekends with buddies -Aerospace stress engineer-Satyam-crack growth analysis of used aircrafts-hectic 12 hour work schedules and failed results-skipped lunches and angry bosses- Satyam scam-lay off-CAT preparation-Carcinoma-Hospital rounds-Sleepless nights-desperation-helplessness-midnight coffee in the company of uncomfortable silence of a hospital ward-Fear and prayers-chemo cycles-twofaced friends-family bonding-realization-a boy no more-grueling exam schedule-anxious night outs-dismal performances-TISS call-overwhelmed by competition-long wait-more exams-more rejects-some course called MFC at Delhi University-last exam of the season-interview call- strangely converted-masters in finance-Delhi –class of 46 “evolved” monkeys-prima donnas and politicos-funny guys and geniuses-Freshers’ s party-these legs weren’t meant for dancing-’O.D’ed on orange juice.

Squaring off with seniors-Placement team member-suits and corporate presentations-egos and misinformation-why are all the pretty girls in the M.A. Maths course?-Is that a bald patch?-Am I losing hair?-projects-group dynamics and free riders-why is it always easier for the girls?-notes and lectures-unlawful conduct in the Law class..hehhe how’s that for irony-Financial management-binary scores- financial accounting-nightmares-why wont my balance sheet ever balance?-the secret ingredient-SUSPENSE ACCOUNT –CFA?? What’s that??-Hot jalebis every evening at the canteen-momos and chicken rolls -founding member of the Rajnikanth fan club-the non-resident hosteller-missing mom and dad!!- new pad with new roomies –sound’s exciting but far from the truth-met an old friend at IIT delhi- IIT Delhi –one kickass place to be- Knight Shyamalan’s Horror movie on Diwali (wierrd!!!!) followed by dinner at an IIT prof’s house-followed by a night long movie marathon at IIT Delhi hostel-EXAM TIME!!-the Maggi diet-night outs-alarm clocks-barrels of black coffee- 20 day old stubble-status updates on the phone-tense moments-insane question papers-fierce competition-wait a minute, the exams are over!!!-the semester has ended-Holidays-Delhi is freezing-But what about our summers (placements)??-Screw you guys I’m goin home (Eric cartman tone)

hmmm..I have a pretty good memory don’t I???

propaganda poster!!

Now what if these posters found their way to India and its advice viewed in the context of the plethora of problems that truly make our country what it is.

Imagine gifting a copy of the poster to Arundathi Roy whose voice hoarse with misplaced affection tells us that she is playing nanny to the Maoists.
The outcome: One tight Slap!!
Or why don’t we gift a copy to the Maoists, then the Home Ministry would give you the inevitable Outcome: One tight Slap!!
If you gift it to the home ministry then the Journo’s would give you One Tight Slap!!
How about the Shiv Sena and the Marathi Manoos
“Kutriya Saala giving us advice in English .Gappa Bas!! Gheun Tak!!”
Outcome: A heavy dose of Marathi abuses and One tight slap!!
Gift it to Lalit Modi and Shahsank Manohar (BCCI president) will give you “One tight Slap”. Gift it to Shashank Manohar and Sharad Powar would give you “One tight slap!!”
Hmm.. come to think of it public morale in India cannot be molded by gentle ‘nudge and coax statements’.

ONE TIGHT SLAP!!

If a book through its seemingly innocuous story line evokes an uncanny reminiscence of people, experiences and events that have chequered my life, then it works for me.
So in my opinion “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom is a good book.

Morrie Shwartz !!

“Tuesday’s with Morrie” is a book that chronicles the last few days of Morrie Schwartz, a teacher (who suffers from Lou Gehrig’s disease) and the bond he shared his student, Mitch Albom. The book makes you wonder whether it is possible for a teacher to profoundly influence your existence and more importantly, is it really possible to have fond, cheerful memories that involved teachers from your childhood.

No sooner that the above questions germinated, my eyes lit up with a broad grin plastered across my face. Off course it’s possible to have fond memories of teachers. Hell ,I have a truck load of them.

Its time for flashback spirals to fill the screen.
“School days with Ranga”

Mr Ranga Rao was my physics teacher back in high school. Robin Williams’ character in Dead poet’s society would pale in comparison to his antics. He is like the Ozzy Osbourne of the teaching world.

So here are a few Ranga tales to support my claims (courtesy: Orkut Community)

Ranga and Diplomacy
Mr Ranga Rao fervently appeals to noisy and boisterous class to maintain decorum by offering Chikki and a memorable quote
“Please co-perate Saar, please don’t operate.”
But when diplomacy has fails to make the desired impact Mr Ranga Rao maintains his trademark Clint Eastwood stance looks the class in the eye and says
“To all those who are making fun of me .THIS IS THE ANSWER!!!”
Waving his Digitus Midius menacingly.

THIS IS THE ANSWER!!

The Archimedes principle states that “Any object, wholly or partially immersed in a fluid, is buoyed up by a force equal to the weight of the fluid displaced by the object.”
Mr Ranga Rao simplifies above seemingly abstruse statement in a manner comparable to Auden’s poetry:

Ranga: Boys, What that fellow Archimedes is saying izz “X cc ullo pora…….X cc veliyo vara…….”

Ranga the Gentleman

An innocent young soul was completing his English homework during the Physics class. Mr Ranga Rao walks up to him seizes his note book and upon discovering the young man’s transgressions.
POW! One tight slap!
Ranga: U are dooying english vark in the physics class?? english vark in the physics class?
Friend: Sir no sir…
Ranga: Boshtard!!! fack off fack off (slaps him, rocky style), oh I’m sorry, Ranga is a gentleman… PLEASE fack off!!

Did somebody say School’s out….hehhe..NEVER!!!!

An engaging read!!

Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.

I have only a few reasons to keep on running, and a truckload of them to quit. All I can do is keep those few reasons nicely polished.

If you are looking for literary sophistication, then you have picked up the wrong book. I’d suggest you lug around your Fountainhead, sip on a latte and look erudite. The charm of “What I talk about when I talk about running” lies in the fact it does not attempt to make a point. It merely jogs along beckoning you to join it and if you find something worth keeping then it’s yours.
I think, I’m gonna go for a run now. I’m sure after reading this book so will You.

The restaurant at the end of the universe!

The attic at Hard rock!!

pop culture references!!

I guess that are some spaces that are always a part of you no matter where you go.You always belong there. F-327 has found new occupants over the past two years but I still haven’t found another room that I can call my own.

You know there are two words that etymologically and gastronomically make perfect sense when describing these kids and the words were uttered ironically by Pt Jawarhalal Nehru on whose birthday we celebrate Children’s Day. (This in my opinion is odd because I can hardly find any photographic evidence to prove that he was ever a kid. Besides, nowadays we don’t exactly smile in admiration when a guy says that he loves kids, leave alone rechristening his birthday as Children’s day.)

While dining with Lord and Lady Mountbatten, Nehru looked into Lady Mountbatten’s eyes and a Joey-like voice he said “How are you Doin?.
Lady Mountbatten replied that she wanted a lemon tart for dessert and that she would be pleased as punch if he boxed Lord Mountbatten’s ears
A perplexed Nehru retorted “Lemon Tarts!! There’s only payasam for dessert you ANGLO FARTS!!!”

You ANGLO FARTS!!!

So let me educate you “angrez ke aulaaad” on the finer aspects of my very Indian childhood. It is rich in tradition and poor in gadgets. (Sob!!).It’s high on drama but low in budget. It has adventures galore but not a single pair of shoes with lights on them. My childhood is littered with wrappers of cheap Indian toffees but not a single bar of Snickers or Lindt.

I ate Upma for breakfast. I always wondered why oh why my mother added those disgustingly shredded tomatoes to the mélange, but yes Upma it was. To add insult to injury (or is it the other way around?) she would sadistically remark
“Guess what’s today’s special?
It’s your favorite…UPMA!!

I really wonder why Hitler had to undergo the great ordeal of building gas chambers at Auschwitz, instead he could have just fed the Jews UPMA, and they would have lost all taste for life, as it were.

Television has always played a significant role in molding young minds apart from killing off a few of our brain cells and taking Human evolution one step behind. My most distinct childhood has to be me waiting in anticipation for Friday nights when there would be back to back shows of Antakshari and Philips top 10 on Zee TV. The defining moment of the evening being the unveiling of the no 1 song of the week on the countdown (which had remained the same for the past 52 weeks).Yet the excitement would kill us. The song is none other than the lyrically profound and philosophically insightful rendition aptly titled
“TU CHEEZ BADI HAI MAST MAST!!” from the movie Mohra.

Tu cheez badi hai Mast Mast!!

My brother and I would run to our respective rooms during the commercial break only to emerge with our polka dotted Co-optex towels which would function as Bandanas. As the song would commence the disco monster that lay trapped in our mortal cages would be unleashed. The sight of two mildly retarded kids wearing polka dotted bandanas matching steps with Akshay Kumar chills my mother’s spine to this day. I’m surprised that with childhood experiences such as these why I am not a big star fighting with Shiv Sena over my name.

I would like to stop here at this moment to discuss a pressing matter which has been misconstrued by the general viewing public for over two decades.

The song “TU CHEEZ BADI HAI MAST MAST!!” considered by many as the eve-teasers anthem has been grossly misinterpreted and mis-represented. Everybody fails to see the profundity that lay beneath it .In my opinion it is how Wordsworth would appreciate nature in the nineties. Imagine him with a bandana gyrating around a tree telling a tree how beautiful it is and hoping that it would respond to his advances with a pelvic thrust. The song says that for a healthy lifestyle big cheese is a must, and just to emphasize the importance of big cheese the word must is used twice with a different spelling. Oh! Talk about poetic license being used for the greater good of mankind.

William Wordswoth and his beloved tree

There is one movie that quintessentially sums up the socio-political, economic and psychological conditions prevalent in the nineties i.e. the wonder years of my childhood. If you take Al Pacino and Marlon Brando and add to their start power a million quanta of raw harnessed solar energy then you might possibly try and compete with the star power in this movie. Even Hollywood greatness cannot match the combined forces of Amitabh Bachan, Rajnikanth and Govinda. The movie is called HUM. Dubbed in English as “We” and in dubbed in French as “Oui”

Hum-We-Oui!

“If you see a tank of acid with suspended chains don’t be heroic unless you’re Amitabh Bachan”

The movie talks about matters of the heart. The gentle proposition of the first kiss without embarrassing your lady Love. Now that is a delicate matter that needs to be handled with kid gloves .The movie suggest that you take her to a particularly loud low end labor union bar where they serve beer in shaving mugs. Ask her to change in to a bright red item number dress and then sing the song “CHUMMA CHUMMA DEDE!!” with the rest of the boisterous drunks. What you don’t believe me?
Then check this out:
Chumma chumma de de

The power of family bonding has been demonstrated in the movie. How much a pressure cooker means to an Indian household, the bond it signifies and to what extent Indians will go to protect it, Even if it means dance-fighting baddies like CAPTAIN ZATTACK!
There one particular line in the movie by Rajnikanth still get my adrenaline pumping:
“Betelal..dikha de inko Bharatanatyam aur Disco ka kamaal!!”
You have to experience it to understand the power of emotion that lay entrapped in this seemingly retarded line, here’s the link:
Captain Zattack!!
My parents insisted that all men are the same and there should be no distinction based on color. In order to demonstrate this point they dressed up their children in some of the most mind-numbing color combinations and brands.

Pink shirts specially styled by Babu Tailors with a rose pinned to our left breast pockets, yellow shorts, red socks and white Action shoes .Our childhood was scarred, but it was small price we had to pay to make the world a better place.

These experiences can only go down in two ways. I could either become the next Nelson Mandela or one of those gaudily dressed background dancers in low –budget music videos. Only time will tell. Either way I’ll be on TV!!

The point is I am a Music Maven who is gonna play Salesman and tell you what you ought to be listening to because you are simply missing out on it. Then you guys can play Connector and spread the word coz music is the only contagion that doesn’t kill.

(Click on the names for a sneak-peek)

1) Artefacto –Seras Paras Mi

Music transcends all language barriers and this song demonstrates just that. Artefacto is a Spanish alternate-rock band from Colombia. Really catchy music. I’m tired of the numerous performances in front of my mirror with my deodorant for a microphone, lip synching the un-lip-synchable. Do check out their other songs especially “Desespero” and “Llevame” on their Myspace page.

2) John Butler Trio – Zebra

John Butler makes 21st century Busking, the coolest thing on the planet. He makes Busking exponentially cooler than anything conceivable.
Ps: Renzil D’souza n me planning to busk on Brigade road, Bangalore soon. So you know where to find us. i.e The nearest police station to bail us out.

3) FC Kahuna – Hayling

Electronica at its very best. (Or is it trip-hop??). Hafdis Huldis , the vocalist really adds the right flavor to this haunting tune. The tune is restrained yet eerily liberating.

4) Kevin Rudolf feat Lil Wayne –let it rock

Lil’ Wayne is hilarious in the video .He does everything with the guitar but play it.Everytime my disgruntled mother says “god, why …oh why do I have a son like you!!” .I make her watch this video and Lil’ wayne never fails to remind her that sometimes we tend to overlook the blessings on our check-list.

5) Nuno Bettencourt-Midnight Express (acoustic)

It just hurtles down the track and blows you away to decrepit smithereens,but the best part is no one is complaining.

6) JET-Black hearts on fire

Their vitriolic brand of garage rock wrapped in “Down Under” attitude definitely gets a thumbs up.

7) Native Tongue –Anna

Yes…Yes…finally…to all those people who thought Gulties weren’t cool… I present to you Native tongue…yes a Gultie Funk band. Amazing song.

8 Eddie Vedder –You’ve got to hide your love away (Beatles cover)

A Beatles classic with Eddie Vedder’s edginess, what can I say…its one of those songs…it applies to everyone at one point or the other, in one context or the next.

9) Kristen Stewart- Angel from Montgomery

Originally by Bonnie Raitt. Both versions are really nice, you have to check them out:

Kristen Stewart version

Bonnie Raitt version

10) Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Mysto & Pizzi Electro House Remix)

So when Obama called him a jackass, there is probably a good reason to it. But there is no reason as to why I dig this song. My brother is the culprit,he’s the one who got me hooked onto this song.

P.S. Do let me know what’s playing on your Ipod!!!

Well, it’s a season of comebacks; BRET THE HITMAN HEART is back on WWE!!
So it’s about time Gossip Girl made her presence felt.

YEAR: 2010.
TIME: 1.00 P.M.
LOCATION: a vapid cubicle located in the precincts of Deloitte, Hyderabad.

The clock’s ticking. His throat is dry. He tries to steady his hands but they don’t stop shaking. Beads of sweat line his furrowed brow. His shirt is soaked. Infact, if he were in the Sahara desert right now, the natives would have called his armpits an oasis!!
In his sweaty palms is a cell phone.
The clock is still ticking. He must make up his mind. Should he make the call?
He knows that they are coming for him. They will show no mercy. Maybe he can put an end to this? He musters courage by chewing off all his fingernails and then he gently punches the keys on his cell phone, the beeps generated felt like hot needles piercing his marshmallow arse. It’s ringing. He holds his breath, his butt muscles taut in anticipation Even constipation is better than this he mutters to himself. Suddenly, the ringing stops.. Then there is static…His heart skips a beat. HE NOW RESEMBLES A DUMBASS WARTHOG WHO STOOD UNDER A PEEING ELEPHANT TO ESCAPE THE POURING RAIN!!

Dumbass Warthog!!

“Hulloo Saar…thank you for calling Pijjjaa Hut …..How may I help you? Please order cheppundi??”… Crackled the voice.

“Hello, this is SHANKER MOHAN., if you listening to this you are the resistance…” muttered Shanker.

“No saar…my name is not resistance… My name is M.T.E.C.H. Babu…..Mohan Telengana Chiranjeevi Hyderabadi Babu ….but you can call me Babu …please may I take you order “said the bewildered voice.

“Listen to me you Gultee Gummybear…This is Shanker Mohan…if you’re listening to this you are the resistance… (Yes. I stole this line from that sissy John Connor who is fighting microwave ovens and washing machines in the distant future and making a big deal out of it.)…I have been fighting a long time…I am outnumbered by them…they wont let me be. The 3rd Rats!!”

MTECH Babu is disgusted. ”Saaaary saaar we don’t serve rats on our pijjjas, would you like to try some aalives and jhallapenos on your pijjjaa?”

“You don’t get it do you…the 3rd Rats killed your C.M, they sabotaged the chopper, they are now trying to divide your state like a medium sized cheese crust pizza. Just join the resistance and deliver a pizza to that abbreviated anthropoid KCR, end his fast with a cheese blast and put an end to this mutton munching mayhem.”

MTECH BABU thinks aloud…We don’t serve rats on our pizza but the 13th amendment of the Sexy-Gultee act proposed by Varaprasad (The Food and Ogling at Women minister) states that:

“THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT, ESPECIALLY IF THE CUSTOMER BELONGS TO THE FAIRER SEX [:)…evil and lascivious smiley inserted here]…IN THE EVENT OF THE ABOVE RULE BEING VIOLATED THE PARTY AT FAULT SHALL WRITE AN ASSIGNMENT ON THE 5 P’S OF MARKETING 55 TIMES AND SUBMIT IT ON MY TABLE TOMORROW”.

(Note: the 14th amendment to this act proposed by Varaprasad adds a sub note which states that whenever this law is stated in public, written or even thought of it must be accompanied with Shaggy’s song “Sexy Lady” playing in the background and the party violating this rule will have to write an assignment on the 5 P’s of marketing 555 times and submit it on my table tomorrow.)

After much thought, MTECH Babu yields…” Ok saaar…I am willing to join the resistance, but please tell me how many people are there in the resistance that would be fighting these so called 3rd Rats?”

Shanker Mohan who is now overwhelmed by joy and is prancing around like a pink pony in a cast iron chastity belt proclaims buoyantly…” The resistance now proudly boasts of two members who will bravely battle a warring barbaric horde of 120 3rd Rats!!”

“120 3rd Rats!! What are you…a Hippopotamus tripping on Hajmola. Dumbass warthog who stood under a peeing elephant to escape the pouring rain.. You pazhampoori eating Punani…You ever call here again I’ll feed your nuts to the chipmunks at Charminar” bellow a furious MTECH Babu.

The phone goes dead. All he hears is silence. This is the story of Shanker Mohan. A man who spends every waking moment of his life in fear. A fear so primordial in nature that it has baffled many a quack and found its way into the medical books. It is referred to as:
“ ende- daivameyy-it’s -a- 3^rd Rat!!-o-phobia”. A sissy warthog like fear of a mythical race of Mundu wearing barbarians called 3^rd Rats. But before the fear, the bed –wetting and the paranoia there was a time of peace and innocence.

On November 30^th 1987 when all the planets in the solar system had aligned mysteriously to resemble a S. The astrologers prophesized that a baby would be born who would do absolutely do nothing to prevent the end of the world in 2012.It was printed in the “astrologers speak column” in the Times of India just below the lucky color and lucky number for the day.

Shanker Mohan was born to a Doctor couple in a sleepy town whose name really is of no consequence whatsoever. He was a large baby, magnanimous with big round innocent eyes which gaze at you lovingly and say “feed me or else I will rain a godly F*$%in firestorm upon you”.

When his father first laid eyes on him he was overcome with joy and said “All iZZZ welll…mera beta engineer banega.”

Shanker was the apple of his mother’s eye, no not apple actually more like a jackfruit, considering his size. Shanker was gifted boy; he learnt to talk before he could walk, cry or even poop and boy talk he did: rumor has it that baby Shanker spoke to his pet dog which was aptly name Patti for a record breaking no rather making 7 days. The dog suffered irreparable brain damage and his parents had to pay PETA a hefty sum to keep them from pressing charges. The above incident brought great joy to the household because the Great Sage Snoop Doggy Dogg (who had taught Pandavas the fine art of rapping) in his great treatise titled “GangstaVeda-the rule of the Dogg” says

“Yo!!….Ssup…bitches..
If your baby can rhyme,
From time to time…
And drive a mofukin dogg nuts,
Without any If’s n Buts.
When this baby grows bigger n bigga..
Its gonna be one helluva nigga!! “
……svaha!!

The great Sage Shri Shri Snoop Doggy Dogg!!!

Shanker decided to put her out of her misery so he barged into his parents room and proclaimed “Amma and Appa, I have decided I am going to become a cardiologist and help Madhuri Dixit”.

Alas! The schism created by society between parents and their children is too wide and hence Shanker will have to bury his dreams and be a dutiful son. In the meanwhile Madhuri Dixit found another cardiologist who solved her problem; she fell in love with him, married him and now lives in the US. One cannot help but think. If only Shanker had pursued his dream. Sniff…Sniff… I guess we will never know.

Shanker's aims but Madhuri is someone else's misses..oops...mrs!!

It is believed that every incident that unfolds in our life is all in accordance to a grand plan; it is akin to a jigsaw puzzle. One such incident that occurred one summer morning would change his life forever. He was gamboling in the fields when he chanced upon a group of disgruntled communists.
The communists were bored, they had managed to riot for every conceivable and inconceivable reason, they managed a 365 day Kerala Bandh, they managed destroy a few factories, sing songs and showcase their dance moves to silly tribal songs that spoke of poverty and capitalism. And now they were bored. They needed a cause to fight for so their chief called up Medha Patkar.

“Medhaji…namasteji…pavbhaji..pooribhaji..aloo bhaji”ranted the chief of the commies.

“Saale M@darCh%d…I’m fasting here because they are building a dam across Narmada River and you are talking about food .” retorted Medha Patkar.

“Sorry MedhaJi…just tell us what to do we will support you cause” said the chief.

“Just randomly take to the streets and scream NARMADA KO BACHAO…” quipped Medhaji.

Now the Mallus believe that Hindi originated from Malayalam. They believe that it was not the chicken or the egg that came first, it was a Mallu. Infact they believe that the sun is not the center of the Solar System it is a Mallu and his name is Mohan Lal. So armed with their so called 100% literacy the Mallu communists took to the streets.

“NARMADA KO BACCHA DO….NARMADA KO BACCHA DO”…bellowed the communists.
Our Shanker Mohan who had blossomed into a fine young man overheard them screaming.

“So many men and not one can help Narmada with her baby…shame on you …mallu men are suppose to be the Greek symbols of Virility ( oh by the way the mallus also believe that the Greeks are actually mallus)…send her over to this volcano of lust “ proclaimed young Shanker.

The Mallu communists had enough. There are three things that will incur the wrath of a Mallu man.

1) Lack of coconut in any of his meals.
2) Comparison of Mallu movies with other forms of cinema. It is their belief that every Oscar winning movie is a remake of a Mallu movie. (Forrest Gump, Godfather, Bridge on river Kwai, Gladiator, The Matrix …You name it …they are all remakes of this Mallu movie called Manichitrathal)
3) A comment on his Virility.

The Mallu communist had to teach Shanker a lesson. They got hold of a Soldering Rod from one of their friends who was studying Electronics at NIT-Calicut. They held Shanker Mohan down and etched the Communist symbol on his ass. The last thing that Shanker Mohan remembers before being blinded by unbearable pain was the red hot tip of the soldering rod bearing down upon his pimply ass. That night when Shanker looked into the mirror and saw his Communist vandalized ass…the hammer and sickle glowed. He felt like Harry Potter.

The communist's vandalized his ass!!

Shanker has to wear Undies that function as perfectly black bodies to prevent the symbol from glowing when in public. He takes great care not to reveal this dark secret that glows (ironic isn’t it!!) for he now employed in a Capitalistic organization named Deloitte which would not tolerate any from of left wing symbolism.
In fact when his 40 yr old bald manager casually coaxed Shanker into doing a night shift by using provocative statements such as “your ass is mine “,”your ass is going nowhere tonight” and “Lets kick some ass tonight, buddy“ , he panicked and fled the building

“Even I want to leave a mark that will last forever…hence I am going to NIT –Calicut” swore the young lad with vengeance in heart and burn marks on his ass.

Shanker’s sojourn at NIT-Calicut was eventful. Everybody was blown away by his talent. When he spoke dogs howled, crows cawed goats would bleat and the girls would giggle and say “aww…all the animals love him,,.that is soo cute!!”. Infact when it came to the ladies Shanker would transform into his alter ago .BENNY LAVA. Benny lava was a poetry spewing; candle-light dinner eating, romantic song –crooning sweet –talking smooth criminal who stole the mallu hearts of the mallu damsels.

BENNY LAVA!!

My loony bun is fine Benny Lava
Minor burn engine made Benny Lava
Anybody need this sign? Benny Lava
You need a bun to bite? Benny Lava
Have you been high today?
I think the nuns are gay!!!

The link to this song is given below,:

BENNY LAVA!!!

However, not far from the horizon storm clouds were gathering. Shanker was oblivious of what lay in the days ahead. He had been turning heads, but little did he know that he was going to face his worst nightmare. An opponent who is invincible, dark and sinister. The mysterious organization called 3rd RATS. (Lightning crackles, the wind howls and the cats purr….)

Whenever the human civilization reaches the pinnacle of happiness and self sufficiency the 3rd Rats some forth to play spoil sport and remind mankind of his darker side. The 3rd Rats are descendants of barbaric ancestry. The bubonic plague that pillaged Europe was the work of their ancestors the Bubba Rats. After the bubonic plague the Bubba Rats branched out into two factions the Autocrats and the Plutocrats. The autocrats crossed the Atlantic and set foot upon the previously uncharted Americas. The Pluto crats headed east and forayed into India. The wrecked havoc by making holes in the undies of many Mughal emperors. They had their furry paws in every historical event that has shaped India.

They now exist in secrecy having made NIT-Calicut their base., they have mastered the black arts. Nobody knows what they look like. It is believed that their leaders undergo facial reconstructive surgery every 3 years. The organization is headed by three people who are referred to as the Maha chuhaas or Machhar ke bacchey…which means “the descendants of the blue blooded mosquito”.

The first Maha Chuha is Dilip Kumar, also known as “the silent killer”. The second Maha Chuha is KunJacko also known as” the dance of death” and the last and most lethal of them all…god a chill runs down my spine when I think of his name…He is the one who should not be named, for the mere mention of his name chills the winds and blocks out the sun. Nobody knows what he looks like, whenever someone tries to get a peek of him he transforms into a…into a…Into a… (God I have to say it)……POROTAAA!!!!… (Frosty wind blows…sun has been eclipsed)

The only available photographic evidence of the 3rd Rats!!

The Maha Chuhaas had set their sight on Shanker Mohan. They believed he could be a valuable asset. But they had to be subtle about it or else they would be compromised. But they had a plan. One night when the whole on NITC was asleep and Shanker was…was … lets just say ….experimenting with his soldering rod. He heard a knock.

“Who could it be at this unholy hour?” wondered Shanker.

He opened the door. There was no one there but he would a trail of Snickers, Bounty and Galaxy chocolates starting from his door and leading into the darkness of the corridor. Shanker who always believes in treading the untread path followed the trail into the darkness ,the trail led past the Bihari rooms that were playing Himesh Reshammiyya hits, past the cellular phone lovebirds who would put call centre employess to shame into a derelict room with a creaky door. He had a choice, he could either turn back or he could open that door and see where it takes him.

Shanker opened the door and entered the room illuminated by a blinding light. The communist symbol on his vandalized ass shone bright red.

Waiting for him were the Maha chuhaas…two men and a parotta.

“Welcome Neo…I see that you have made you choice” said on of the men.

“My name is Shanker Mohan…if you were women you could have called me BENNY LAVA …But no. To guys and edible objects .I am Shanker Mohan” said Shanker Mohan staring wide eyed at the Parotta.

“We are the 3rd Rats!!…and we would like you to join our club, would you be interested??” question the Maha Chuhaa.

“Yes” said an intrigued Shanker.

“But before we induct you we need you to prove your mettle so you will have to take part in a series of competitions.” quipped the Chuhaa

“Im game fellas “retorted Shanker.

What followed a grueling test of the body and the mind. From mind stressing events like wacky dance, pot pourri, shipwreck and one man dumb charades to mettle testing events like walk to silent valley, adipara waterfalls and treasure hunts. Shanker aced all. He was a natural; he could be rat like none other.

“We are very impressed with you Shanker. You shall make a glorious 3rd Rat. Now there is only one step that is left a small but important formality. The Oath.”

The Maha Chuhaas stood up and in their hands was a piece of cheese the symbol of rat hood which would be presented to the new inductee.

“Shanker Mohan also know as BENNY LAVA to the ladies, are you willing give up this pathetic excuse for a life that you are leading and embark upon the higher journey of 3rd Rat hood and upholds its highest ideals and moral code which includes leching at women as they return form class, displaying the finest form of mob mentality, advocating chaos in the face of rational discussion and getting kicks out of playing four a side football matches. If you are willing then eat this piece of cheese and say I WILL ,SPARTA!!”

A jubilant Shanker gobbled the piece of cheese and shouted with enthusiasm “I WILL FARTA!!!!”

The Maha Chuhaas were shocked.
”What did you just Say??’ the commanded

“I WILL FARTA!!!!” replied Shanker meekly

“You disrespect our ancestors. Take back your words young man” warned the Maha Chuhaas

“But I said what you asked me to say…I WILL FARTA!!…Oh I always forget guys…I have this condition and patients suffering from this condition are called Kaminney..Main SA koh FA bolta hoon….I am foo forryy…’

Shanker Mohan!!!...kaminney!!!

Shanker sought refuge under the bed of a Ruffles Lays munching pot-bellied Chinese Buddhist monk. This is no ordinary monk. It believed that in Zen Buddhism there are various levels of nirvana that one attains after years of hard penance. There is believed to be a level of nirvana which is beyond the grasp of the human mind that even Buddha himself failed to breach this final frontier. A monk who has reached this level of Nirvana is called a ZEN ESTILLO that’s Chinese for “tranquil mind and jiggling belly”.

The path to become a ZEN ESTILLO monk is filled with uncertainties and perils and one must be truly destined to achieve this state of mind. IT IS CALLED THE WAY OF THE WETFINGERS
The monk must first find an original albino crocodile and seduce it with lady like charm, then it must be pinned down in a compromising position .The monk must then proceed to insert his index finger and ring finger in its olfactory orifices and sensuously whisper with a thick African accent
”ooh baby…Say my name…. Say my name…”


This monk who had now achieved the ZEN ESTILLO state of mind sensed that Shanker was in danger and granted him asylum. Nobody knows his name, except for the albino crocodile. But for some strange reason everybody referred to him Tolia a.k.a Fat B@stard.

The 3rd rat assassins barged into Fat B@stard’s room.

“Where is Shanker Mohan? “Bellowed the assassins seething with rage.
Fat B@stard paused for a moment, consumed the cream and onion flavored chip in his hand and spoke thus:

“Oh 3rd Rat assassins,
Why do you seethe with such bilious rage? What is tickling your rodent asses??
Must you always be such Mean Chows??
Chillax and eat Ruffles Lays,
Together we will sit and watch that Gultee movie Happy Days!!”

“Fat B@stard tell me where Shankar Mohan is or else I will sushi your Chinese ass!!”

Before they could harm Fat B@stard , Shanker Mohan mustered courage and yelled

“I am here you rambunctious rodents come and get me!!” but not before he jumped through the window and took to his heels. Shanker Mohan ran like he had never run before, it was a scene straight out of National Geographic., a sissy warthog running for his life as he is being chased by cheetahs. Just then the first drops of the monsoon rain descended from the heavens and Shanker mutters in agony…

a peeing elephant !!

That’s all folks.

(Shanker and Tolia…jokes apart…you guys are the coolest juniors I have ever known. Thanks for making my college days a truly memorable experience…you guys are a big part of it.
Loads of love and a little tomfoolery
Chutney)

4: 45 PM: I am standing in front of BLOSSOM’S book store(It’s my getaway, You should try it some time, it’s a great place to be , for both you and your wallet).

God! The place is choc -a- block with people. You have your regular kurta clad journo-types devouring Algebra of Infinite Justice and likes. Then you have the IT crowd lapping up Warren Buffet and The Apple Story simply because they could mention it on their resume and how can I forget the posse of teenage girls going gaga over the Twilight series. I head straight to the counter.

“INTO THE WILD by..John..John..Krau…Krau..” ,Now I’m just embarrassed.
“Krakauer..John Krakauer…”.says the guy behind the counter.

Mission accomplished. Clutching my new prized possession I head home,but not before I stop by at CORNER HOUSE to pick my chocolate fudge and mocha Ice-cream.(You see, celebrating after an examination is a ritualistic process and Ice cream is an important ingredient, without it, the gods of the “F@ck around after exams “ pantheon will not be appeased).

A quick shower, I slip into my “happy feet” t-shirt and Bart Simpson boxers. (Yes, I have a t-shirt that says “happy feet’!!) and I’m ready. In my hand is a copy of INTO THE WILD, the glossy paper back a dilapidated green and white bus numbered 42 on its cover. I hold the book close to smell the paper. God, I love the smell of new books, makes you feel all clean and fresh.

3:00 AM :Roughly seven hours later as I leaf through the last page of the book. I lay in bed, choking with emotion. It’s not an emotion that can be defined as black or white, its anger, awe ,sadness and a sense of hope all arranged in one chocolate box.(The kind of chocolate box that Forrest Gump talks about).

INTO THE WILD is a riveting account of a young man named Christopher John Mccandless who defies supposed rational thought as defined by society and marches into the Alaskan wilderness to experience what he aptly describes as “the most ancient human conditions”. Christopher Mccandless or Alex Supertramp as he later christened himself is real, not a figment of some rubber tramp’s imagination.

Christopher was born in well-to-do family living the American Dream. Born to a NASA engineer and his equally competent wife, Christopher graduated from Emory University at the top of his class majoring in anthropology and history, his grades he quoted were good enough to pave the way for an Harvard Law school degree, just as his parents hoped for. But little did they know that their son had other plans.

Christopher John Mccandless donates all the money he saved up for his college education to OXFAM ,a charitable organization. And just leaves. He travels the length and breadth of America, hitchhiking, canoeing, and freight train hopping. His ultimate adventure lay in Alaska, for which he trained rigorously. Sadly, it was to be his final resting place. He survived 113 days in the Alaskan wilderness before succumbing to starvation at the age of 24.

When his story was first made known to the world. There were mixed reactions. Some called him a visionary, a man living his dream. Some called him narcissist who had caused his family immense pain and suffering. Some called him fool hardy for undertaking such an adventure without adequate preparation and reprimanded the media for making him a hero. Everybody had an opinion and I have one to.

I put down the book and I let it all play out in my head like a movie. Christopher John Mccandless in my opinion is human, but with qualities we could probably hope to imbibe. I feel a strong wave of anger consume me when I think about the void he left in the lives of his parents. I feel hopeful and reassured when I know that it is actually possible to live your dream irrespective of its consequences. I feel sad that all dreams come to an end. I admire Mccandless for his determination to achieve his Alaskan dream inspite of countless people dissuading him from doing so. Another observation that really fascinated me was his ability to the touch the lives of every single person he met on his peregrinations, from a seventeen year old girl who had a crush on him to an eighty year old war veteran who wanted to adopt him as his grandson. Their bonds with him really leap off the pages and become vivid examples of the man he was.

My Mccandless experience doesn’t end here. I crawl out of bed and switch on my computer and check my torrent software .Yess, it’s done. C’mon, you have to agree that this story deserves a film adaptation.

Directed by Sean Penn and starring Emil Hirsch, the movie doesn’t disappoint. However as is the unwritten rule, the book is more fulfilling. The movie pays attention to the sights and sounds that Mcclandess experiences whereas the book focuses more on the people that were a part of his brief but extraordinary life. They book and the movie compliment each other perfectly.

There are some instances both in the book and the movie that will remain in my memory for a long time. The green and white abandoned bus no 142 where he camped at while living his Alaskan dream. The references to Jack London, Tolstoy and Thoreau.
A particularly touching chapter where his parents visit the bus where he spent his last few days. His mother picks up his tattered pair of jeans that lay strewn in the bus, holds them close and then says to husband.” They still smell like Chris”.(This was one of those choke moments; where I go okay now easy there. men don’t cry…n stuff)

But above all the most haunting impression is that left by a self portrait taken using a minolta camera in his last few days and his last words that he carved into the bus. They read :

All Hail Alex Supertramp!!!

Perhaps someday when I have made enough money,I would like to head to a sleepy little town called Fairbanks,catch this path called the Stampede Trail and pay a visit to Bus no 142,the last remaining proof of a man who dared to live his dream .

The movie has a fantastic soundtrack and there is this one song that really encapsulates the whole Christopher John Mccandless experience ,it’s a beautiful track and there could undoubtedly be no other person that I can think of who could have remotely come close to pulling it off other than Eddie Vedder. The song is called Hard Sun.Here’s the link
.
HARD SUN -EDDIE VEDDER